AND YOU THOUGHT 'MOI' WAS CHEEKY

This essay. By Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in
the humour catagory of the 1990 Scholascic Writing
Awards. It appeared in the May issue of Literary
Cavalcade, a magazine of contememporary fiction
and student writing pub1ished in the Scholastic in New
York City. Gallagher. who is eighteen, grew up in
Newtown Square, Pennsylvania, and will attend
New York University this fall.

ESSAY

IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR
COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT,
BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE
FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE FULLY SIGNIFICANT
EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE
HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling
walls and crushing ice. I have been known to
remodel train stations on my lunch breaks,
making them more efficient in the area of heat
retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees.
Iwrite award-winning operas. I manage
time efficiently. Occasionally. I tread water for
three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike
trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe
inclines with unflagging speed. and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I
am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and
an outlaw in Peru. .

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I
once single-handedlv defended a small village in
the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted
by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documantaries.


When I'm bored. I build large suspension
bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang
gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist. a concrete analyst.
and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon
over my original line of corduroy evening wear.
I don't perspire. Iam a private citizen, yet I receive
fan mail. I have been caller number nine
and have won the weekend passes. Last summer
I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugalforce
demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral
arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects
with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise
Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one
day and still had time to refurbish an entire
dining room chair that evening. I know the exact location
of every food item in the supermarket. I
have performed covert operations for the CIA. I
sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a
chair. While on vacation in Canada. successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who
had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do
not apply to me.
I balance. I weave. I dodge. I frolic, and my
bills are all paid. On weekends. to let off steam.
I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I
discovered the meaning of life but forgot to
write it down. I have made extraordinary four course
meals using only a Mouli and a toaster
oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won
bullfights in San Juan. cliff-diving competitions
in Sri Lanka. and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I
have played Hamlet. I have performed open heart
surgery. and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.