'I WANT TO BE ALONE'

Never let it be said that the old geezer does not 'get it' when it comes to the 'wanting to be alone' mood.

Spent a lifetime pushing folks away and running off some who dared to get too close.  I am an expert at killing off friendship.

Yesterday I experienced something that made me realize I had been too busy beating my own drum and hearing the tune coming from someone close to.  You might even say BFF.

Having gone to supper, we found ourselves parked outside my home.  The music was playing and I was enjoying chatting with me friend.  My friend saw it differently.

"Do you not think it strange that we are sitting in a parked vehicle?".  So uneasy was me friend that he suggested that we exit the vehicle and chat in the car park.  Like a bolt from above, it came to me what the real problem was.

"Intimacy" is a dirty word to my friend.  Truth be told, 'relationship' does not do much better.

I should have listened better to me friend in the past.  Were it up to him, a cave in the middle of nowhere, visited by no one, would be the perfect place.  Most of what my friend does on a daily basis is 'alone'.  Let me be clear, it is his choice.

There have been periods in my life that were dark and lonely.  I did everything in my power to keep people out of my life.  If you give nothing of yourself to others, they can never hurt you.  Truth be told, I never really wanted to be alone, just was so very afraid to let any one in.

I have let some in.  The periods spent sharing with someone else are some of the best periods of my life.  I do not do 'single' well.  I crave people in my life.  Tend to think I am best when I get out of meself and live life through different eyes.

I have been told that I come on too strong.  Quite right.  I am trying to make up for lost time.

I understand my friend perfectly.  I really do.

I also know how to shut people out completely.  I did that with my half brother and sister.  There was no room for me and I did not want to accept 'conditional' relationship.

However much I love my friend, he has the right to live on his own terms.  If being 'alone' suits him, why push for change.  That bench in the forest can be his alone.

There is a lot of love left in me and life is too short to offer it where it is not wanted.

Funny thing about life, one door closes and another one opens.....