Loss Is Still Loss

This morn I ventured out to visit Brenda's shop. Brenda being the lovely lady who has been my 'rock' in these hard times. One has to resume the process of being engaged in life, and keeping contact with one's caring friends is part of that process.

Brenda is 'there' for more than just this old geezer.

A lovely old geezer, not well known to me, came in during my visit and informed Brenda that his wife of 50 years died yesterday in hospital. The death was not a surprise, the wife had been very seriously ill for some time and it was a release from pain. Death, in many ways came, as a 'friend' and took the poor Chap's wife to a better place.

What a lot a years 50 be. A lifetime of sharing. She was a lovely 16 and he but 18, when they made the trip to the altar and swore to live together.

However hard my loss has been, so callow I am not that I do not see that the pain suffered by this chap is just as great. More so.

The lovely man has been cared for by his wife these many years. Like so many unions between a man and a woman, this chap depended on his wife to take care of things. By all accounts, the lovely lady did a brilliant job of it. She paid the bills, kept house, watched the cash in the bank and so many of the other things that the poor chap came to expect from her. Mind, when she became very ill, he made sure that he was at hospital on a daily basis, he was there for her.

Brenda came into the picture after the wife had become quite ill. The poor chap was at a loss to deal with the chores his wife had taken care of for so long. Brenda took Jerry under her wing and made sure that bills got paid and there was food in the icebox. However busy Brenda's day was, there was always time to sit down with Jerry and sort him out.

Sitting cross from Jerry this morn, I felt his loss and knew that he too had just had an event happen to that would change life as he knew it. Jerry told me that he felt much relieved knowing that the suffering of his wife was over. Relief being a relative term, as one could see the pain of his loss written all over his face. The poor bugger looked 'lost'. I know the feeling. Over the next few days, Jerry will have to come to terms with his loss. I can tell you that many small things will come up that will remind him that life has changed, he will get 'weepy' and it will be hard at times. What a lot of images will float cross his loaf over the coming days of times shared. Good times and hard times.

Jerry, as has this old geezer, been blessed that there was someone there in these trying times. In both our cases it was Brenda.

I can not speak for Jerry. For myself, I could write volumes about the help and support and LOVE showered down upon me in these hard times. Consider myself right blessed in having. Brenda will be first to tell that she considers what she has done no 'special' thing. "I am just helping my friend."

How grand the world would be if all who were in need of a true friend got the support of that friend. Mind, some will not come forward and seek help of a friend, it is not for me to judge why some do that. History has proved to me that one has to reach out in order to be touched. I am ever so glad that I learned that lesson in the past.

I have no doubt that Jerry will go on. Like me, the steps will not be so fully of 'spring' but in time, steps will come more sure.

Life moves forward. Day by day is how I am taking it. I venture out and try to be as engaged as I have a mind to be, my eyes and ears are open to the on-going events of life round. With pluck, I hope...

Did I Fill The World With Love

The featured music is a favoured bit from a most loved film, "Good-bye Mr. Chips". It was a chore to find an old geezer like self to be singing this song. Most filmed bits are with Petula Clark and that simply would not do...

It is interesting to stop and pose the question to self. Did love come forward more oft than hate? Kind words and deeds more oft than a brush off.

Am of the opinion that each and every person met is of value. Some of more value than others, but value nevertheless. Truth be told, even the 'evil creatures' have value, a value they have not discovered of yet.

Right, so in me grief, this old geezer has dragged out soapbox and is going to get all pontifical on us. I know you lot, my cheeky readers, too well. Can see the heads shaking and the tongues clucking. You think I am going to wax on and on about the past week's drama. Truth be told, the door to my grief is slowing closing, one part of it, and I am quite keen to try and sort out my tomorrows.

I know that there is a new day round the corner. Adventure calls and am thinking that the last has not been heard from this old geezer yet. One has to collect self, so to speak. That is what I am, and will be doing, collecting self....

You lot should feel honoured, I am still sharing me thoughts with. OI!!!! How is that for wicked? Load of tosh and you know it. I am quite pleased that so many have peeked in of late and taken the time to let me know your thoughts.

Tomorrow

It is raining frogs as I sit down to share me thoughts this day. It as if the heavens have conspired to let the whole world know how 'weepy' this time be.

What a difference a week makes. Sunday last, was a most brilliant day. Paul and I had a full day and I must tell you, he was in high spirits when we returned home from our outing.

That was then, this is now.

Life is moving forward. Lovely folks known to me have moved on with the chores of their daily lives, that is how it should be. However grand they be, it is most important that life return to normal, for me self as well. Businesses to run, children to care for and personal dramas to play out.

I wish I could report that it is getting easier for me. It is still very raw and I find myself bouncing all over the place in my emotions.

However 'open' it appears I am in my public life, I am at heart a most private person. There was never a massive number of folks knocking on me front door. Given that I rise early and retire early, I do not make it easy for folks to stop by. I will not even answer the telephone after 8 in the evening.

I am desperate to sort out all of the thoughts going through me loaf. Even when I take to me cot, the movies in me head still plays on. Mind, not all of the movie is bad, there is much that is good for me to remind self of. I have no doubt that in time, all will sort self out.

I would like to believe that all known to me will come to accept how I go on from here. At the end of the day, I have to do what is best for MOI. Am quite sure that however the future plays out, there will be some who will not understand my reasoning or my actions. That is not to say that anything horrid is planned.

My dears, there are moments when IT, the events of past week, wash over me and I feel as if I am going to be swept away. I was not prepared for what happened. Then again, who is? I keep busy, answer mail, chat with concerned folks and try to not lock self away from the lovely folks who care about this old geezer. I truly feel much loved.

Like the tune "Tomorrow" declares, The Sun will Come Out Tomorrow, and I am more than prepared to place me brolly in the stand and rush out to meet it.

I'm All Alone

My dears, the filmed bit with music comes from the Broadway smash "Spamalot". You be 'Au fait' with my use of music to capture the right mood for me post.
The loss of a loved one releases a flood of emotions. There are many days of being 'weepy'. Grief is a wicked thing.
Last few days have seen me with less spring in me step. Like poor 'Arthur', it is convenient for me to feel as if "I am all alone", hence the use of the featured bit.
By now, you have caught on that is a bit of a giggle? I mean really, life throws 'poo' at you all of the time, that is why we have a 'loo'. The nasty bits are just a flush away. Truly.
Having been down this road before, I can tell you that it is never easy to deal with the death of one loved. I tend to think it is a bit selfish of me self, due to my not have the pleasure of the company of the departed loved one. Truth be told, the pain is very real, the tears flow, the voice loses control, that many ghosts come back to haunt about the times spent with the dead.
I am gobsmacked at the many kindnesses shown me by folks this past few days. Or did Paul and I have the great good fortune to pick so many of the right sort?
More than being gobsmacked, I am forced to deal with the fact that regardless of my pain, I AM NOT ALONE. The mistake made in past in dealing with grief was to closet set in home and ignore all of the lovely people who wanted desperate to help me get through the dark days. In the end, that only added to the pain.
Life as I knew it changed on Monday, bit dramatic? Think on, if you have a companion, a loved one, who you share life with and they are gone, does that not change the order of the day?
I am clueless as to what follows, or how I will deal with my changed daily routine. I do not do 'alone' well. A lovely lady known to me came round last night and we chatted. The most profound thing she said to me was; "You do realize that you take with you, from A - Z, your grief". Quite right. The getting on a plane and running off does not end the emotions that are playing out in me head.
I am going to spend the next few days sorting out me thoughts. The many calls and emails received let me know that you, my lovely readers, understand. Having been public in so many other things, I promise to share my times with you. There might be a few who will get to know that death, horrid thing that it is, can be dealt with.