PRESIDENT REAGAN 'TOUCHED' ME

Ronald Reagan

I want to always remember a President of the United States that I both admired and respected greatly.

During the time that Ronald Reagan was President of the United States there were many who thought him a simple man who was 'out to lunch' most of the time. Folks called him thick as a brick and out of touch with what was important in this country. The names called were not just reserved for him but spilled out onto his wife, Nancy. To many, President Reagan was an object of ridicule. Ronald Reagan was 'President of the United States' but many wanted to believe that he was not 'President of ALL of America'. That Ronald Reagan was just interested in that part of America he saw.

Long before Ronald Reagan died MOI would tell folks that when the time came for him to leave us, there would be a massive outpouring of love for him. MOI was right.

It is possible that MOI has been far more fortunate than most. In life I have had the opportunity to make contact with folks I reached out to. Ronald Reagan was one of these.

My long time companion died of AIDS. In 2014, it is hard to remember just how horrid it was to be known as a victim of AIDS. When John and MOI were told that John was going to die of AIDS, we did not hide that fact. John asked what we should do. MOI told him that we had an obligation to be open and honest, not to hide his illness. We told one and all.  It was important to know who one's true friends were.

Ronald Reagan was one of the folks we shared with. Moi wrote to President Reagan.  Can just see heads shaking and tongues clucking at the cheek of the old geezer.  Who writes to the President?  More important, who gets a reply? A personal touch?

Truth be told, the old geezer had met Ronald Reagan on several occasions.  True, they were fund raisers and there were loads of other folks in the room as well.  The old geezer was not a close personal friend to Mr. Reagan, but close enough to be on a list somewhere as one who he had met and had got support from.

In short order, a lovely letter came back from. The President was at his home in California and the letter was written from there. What touched my most was that he wrote that both he and Nancy was sad to hear that John was sick and going to die. That John was in their prayers and they sent their best wishes . Ronald Reagan took the time to remember.  Took the time to write a personal letter, one that John was over the moon to have received.

During the course of John's illness there were two more letters received.  One day a large envelope arrived from 'The White House'.  Inside was a beautiful photograph of the President and Mrs. Reagan, taken at Camp David.  The President and Mrs. Reagan wrote some lovely comments on the photograph and both signed.

Many in America want to believe that at a time when President Reagan could have done much for AIDS, he did nothing. That is not true. President Reagan did what he thought was right. He made sure that folks with AIDS received Social Security. He did many things that many will never remember. I will always remember that efforts to write to and draw attention to AIDS were always well received at the Reagan White House. At a time in my life, when I was very down, President Ronald Reagan and his wife reached out to and made me realize that not only John and myself mattered but were a part of the American family.

I rather think that President Reagan saw the best of America and never lost sight of that.

Many years later, AIDS is still here, folks are still getting infected and many will die. There will always be some who believe that no one cares.  That America let them down.  I am not one of those people.

Life is a very personal experience.  My feelings for President Reagan are not political, they are deeply personal.  Thoughts in recent days of John made me remember what was felt of Ronald Reagan and how kind he and his wife had been to us.

MEMORIES SHARED

DISCLAIMER: Having been asked multiple time to tell stories from my life and giving the requests much thought, the old geezer has given in and provides a glimpse behind the veil. As with any life, it is the parts of, rather than the whole, that give the best understanding of should think. At least that is the belief of this old geezer. There are defining moments that allow folks to reference in trying to decide what to make of us. What will follow may be more than some will want to know, and they can stop reading. As to the dear reader who continues to read, what will follow will tell on a part of life lived that meant much to MOI and is believed to have shaped the course of his life. Having stated that, pray do not judge what you read until you get to the end and then decide if it gave a better understanding of MOI. Can ask for no more than that.

My dears, MOI sits at machine and quakes at the thought of revealing so much. However outgoing you may think MOI is, to be true, there is a most private person unknown to you. Right, MOI bangs out endless stories of life lived on road to the whole world and HE is 'private'. Bit of a dichotomy that and will leave it to you to sort it all out.

MOI is desperate to not come off as pompous and making every effort to qualify what will follow. Should think that this quote from 'Diary of A Nobody' does that nicely:

"Why should I not publish my diary? I have often seen reminiscences of people I have never even heard of, and I fail to see — because I do not happen to be a 'Somebody' — why my diary should not be interesting. George Grossmith

"Get on with it!" and so MOI shall.

It is convenient for many who have come upon MOI at this point in life to assume that his present visage is one that has always been one presented to the world. Old, fat and sinking into decrepitude. Hair much gone and eyes in need of glasses. No one knows better than MOI that what was once 'golden youth' has long since departed. Trust me my dears, there was a day that MOI was thought of as 'the cat's meow', quite a figure he cut, slim and handsome, even 'dashing'............. That was then and this is now, and the bath mirror tells daily what MOI looks like.

Many, many moons ago, long before the INTERNET, MOI met a chap that was to change his life forever. Did not know at the time, but it is surely how it turned out.

Now, MOI knows full well that for as many who are 'au fait' with, there will be many giving a read that have missed a few chapters here and will be clueless to some things about MOI. MOI is 'bent' as in not straight. 'Gay' if you prefer, although MOI has always been curious as to the popular use of the word to label followers of 'the love that dare not speak it's name'. To be sure, MOI has met many a 'unhappy' homosexual. Yes Virginia, MOI is a 'nancy boy', 'light in the loafers' and would never be thought of as a 'bit of rough'.........you get the picture..........

MOI was sitting at a luncheon counter in a city not unlike one now lived in, when the love of his life entered. Unknown to MOI, this young chap had seen MOI on many different occasions and was hellbent on making himself known to MOI. MOI was reading a book and trying to block out what was going on round and was not happy about being put upon by this chap. Had never paid any attention to in the past and was clueless as to why he would want to introduce self to(not really, but was trying to be coy).

'My name is John, and I have seen you around' he said. Not the most original of lines but it will have to do. He WAS easy on the eye and did have a pleasant manner, so MOI bought into the meet and agreed to go to see a film with. 'The trap was set' and MOI walked right into it. John agreed to see a foreign film(learned later he loathed sub-title films) and a good time was had by both. We agreed to meet again.

A chance meeting turned into a marathon of meeting over the following 7 days and at the end, John took to dinner and came right out with his purpose. Sitting cross from, he set a pair of keys on the table and said: 'I have decided that we are meant for each other and here are the keys to my home, you are to move in!' MOI had never had a real live-in relationship up to that point and was gobsmacked at how firm his belief was that MOI was THE one. To be true, MOI had taken a shine to John and it was not hard to buy into the offer. Kindred souls we were, or so MOI thought at the time, and that was to be more so as time went by.

Will not bore the dear reader with the mundane details of daily life between us. To be true, one does not remember these as clearly as the snapshots of a life shared that spring forward that become the high lights of. And there are so many of these to cling to.

What is remembered on this day are these:

First trip to Lake Tahoe. Driving through the snow in the mountains and chatting all the way. Checking in at the hotel(a rather grand one), taking silver dollars and placing into a massive fruit machine next to check-in, losing $5.00 with first pull and placing the next bet and pulling handle(they still had at that time) turning round and telling that we had just lost $10.00 and had not even made to room or got to eat yet. The massive machine started ringing loudly, with lights flashing. MOI had won the 'JACKPOT', all of the sultans had lined up and $5,000 was won. No fool was John and he quickly told MOI to take the cash and run. We canceled our rooms(they now were offered for FREE), collected winnings in CASH and got back into motor and were headed home. My dears, it had been a long drive there and tired as we had been, we not were quite giddy at having so much cash that we laughed and laughed all the way home. Tired was not even thought of.

Buying our first house. Wondering how we were going to pay the $286.46 mortgage. Tight we were with a quid, we were. There would be many homes to follow but one always remembers the first.

Doing a make-over on John's wardrobe. John was a 'trust fund' baby. Came from 'old money' and had never had to worry about the whole of life. Right odd how the truly rich never think of selves as 'wealthy'. John thought a perfect wardrobe could be had at JCPenney, right off the rack his clothes came and it showed. Out went the old and in came the 'designer look'. From shirts to trousers to under pants and shoes even, John was made over. To be true, John did not put up a fight and loved the 'new' look.

Walking through Macy's one afternoon and John spotting a 'Calvin Klein' leather jacket and wishing he could afford it. My dears, he could, just too bloody tight with cash to part with. MOI went back and bought it and John was gobsmacked at the extravagance. Mind, it soon became his most favourite jacket.

The many holidays taken together in Hawaii. Walking the beaches, dining well, staying at a posh hotel, planning on retiring there one day.

Taking John to his first play and having John take MOI to his first Bette Midler concert.

John standing up for MOI when the newspapers carried stories of the horrid businessman he was. Making money was not something folks thought kindly about, more so when it meant buying run down hotels in rough section of city and moving the old and the poor out. MOI never broke any laws, it was all perfectly legal, but MOI and his partners in business, were not 'social workers' and never gave a thought to the human cost of displacement. It was all about making money. Not nice to see self in the newspaper and called "Tarzan of the Tenderloin". Have a clever columnist write about and liken one to 'what the evil dentist in a film was to dentistry, is DeFrees to hotel industry'. Dark days but John never left side and brushed off the countless newspapers dropped on his desk to draw attention to the horrid creature he lived with. Not once.

Throwing a birthday bash and having all stay away due to the notoriety of MOI. ALL, my dears, personal friends and folks known in local government. John lighting the candles on cake and giving presents to MOI as he cried and cried.

Sitting here, so many memories come flooding back, it is hard to know which to tell. They come back out of order, some stronger than others, but they are quite vivid. It was a life lived, charmed to be sure but it came with a price.

Many sad partings as MOI went off to far away places to do business. Long periods apart in cities across the pond. Missed birthdays and holidays and daily events not shared. There were the telephone calls and the letters and cards. Many, many cards, with messages of longing sent and received. A collection of T-Shirts sent to John from every place visited.

Then came AIDS.

No one who was not there will ever know how horrid that period of time was in the beginning. Stories were told of a strange new illness that was striking down countless homosexual men. 'The Gay Plague' it was wrongly thought of. It got that due to so many homosexuals being among the first brought down by it. MOI read all on the subject he could find. MOI heard it was spread by sexual contact.

MOI had always been told by mates that he was a prude, that he was missing out on the greater ride to be ad by the 'sexual revolution' taking place. The 'candy store' was open for business and all one had to do was enter and feed on all of the delights to be had. Sample away, what is the harm and you might even like it. The problem with 'FREE LOVE' is that it is not entirely free. There has to be some guilt attached to all of that pleasure, and what about STD's. MOI missed the boat and all let him know.

When they came out with a test for risk to AIDS, MOI was one of the first to take. Dragged John with. At the time, the 'Lavender Elite' was not big on it, even suggested that it had no value and could be used to round up folks in the future. Nothing like spreading a few lies to scare folks. In the beginning, one was given the test and a number was handed to, all very private and without identity attached to. No one wanted anyone to know HIV status.

Together, John and MOI got the test, TOGETHER, and his number was exchange with mine so that we would know the true status of the other. A week passed, and the day of the results came. To be true, MOI had bought into the myth and felt that since he had been a life long homosexual, he would have a positive result. My number told John that MOI was negative, and John's number told MOI that he was positive.

The clock was ticking. MOI had done his homework and believe that it was 'infected' with and not 'exposed to' that was the true meaning of the test results. Many did not feel that way. No one wanted to believe that death was coming.

With the support of John, MOI set about trying to help in any way possible. If you think that writing letters to folks is something new, you should have seen in earlier times. MOI was pedantic. Sitting at dining room table, MOI wrote in long hand, one letter after another to any and all one could thing of to help with this growing plague. There were letters to the White House, Senators, Congressmen, health officials, hospitals, newspapers, television and folks known all over the country. Trips were made to Washington and other places to beg for help. Fundraisers were held in home. jumbos put together to raise even more cash. No stone was left upturned. Along the way, MOI lost mates, people one knew stopped come by the house. A congressman likened MOI to a zealot. Doors were slammed shut and telephone calls not returned.

Through it all was John.

When a costume was used to march in front of businesses that were not being morally responsible, John sat in vehicle and watched over. Helped wipe off the spit hurled at MOI. Drove to hospitals to deliver reading material. Picked up from homes of dying men, after a long night of Hospice care.

Throughout 1986, John had many health problems, it was clear that something was coming. Christmas 1986 was a blowout. Vans from every store like delivered present after present for John to have under the tree that year. It was a Christmas to remember.

Through all of the years together, we had never invited workmates of John to our home. We did that year, along with a collection of others special to us. MOI hired caterers, had so much food that tables groaned under the weight of it all. Bartenders mixed drinks. The front of the home had fake snow on the garden, and there were so many lights on the house one almost was blinded by them. Every single room had Christmas in it, and the tree that year never looked better.

Santa even came(with a little help from MOI) and had small presents for each and every one there. MOI gathered all round tree and had Christmas Carols sung, with the voice of MOI being the loudest. It truly was a night to remember.

Just after the holidays, the shoe long waited for, dropped. John was rushed to hospital with 'PCP' a definitive marker for full blown AIDS. John had gone from 'infected' to 'victim'.

My dears, MOI is not going to bore you with horrid details, that is not the point of this story. Quite sure that you know that it was not an easy time. What will be told is the story of how this dark hour turned MOI into what he is today.

John faced his illness with courage and humour. The man had CLASS, buckets of it.

He told the whole world of his illness. No easy thing to do at that time, there was much fear. John told all of his workmates and the company he had worked for all of his life. We told all we knew of his illness. He made a special effort to tell his closest mates.

We went about living, knowing full well that these days remaining were numbered.

Every time John was well enough to travel we boarded a plane and went to Hawaii. These trips gave John so much and there were times we stayed but a day or two, having to return due to his condition.

We planned his funeral, every detail of it. And there were some giggle had in doing that. Sitting at dining room table stuffing Mass cards into envelopes, John remarked how cruel MOI was having him glue his snap on and pass to MOI. He helped pick out the quote used on and even helped decide which music to play for mates at memorial service to be held. We did all of this together, side by side.

John was thrilled when President Ronald Reagan sent MOI a personal letter tell that he, the President and Nancy, were sorry to hear of his illness and that he was in their prayers.

He allowed the local newspaper take his picture along side MOI with a massive bottled water container filled with years of collected pennies, to be donated to an AIDS cause, the bottle had close to $400.00 in pennies.

On the last trip to Hawaii, MOI shared a walk on the beach with John. It was important to know if John felt happy, felt pleased with how life had gone between us. John told MOI that he had no regrets and was proud that MOI was not going to die in the same way. He also told that he felt that he had lived a life most excellent and much of that was due to being a part of MOI's journey. Felt that stories told of far off places visited by MOI made him feel as if he was on every trip taken. He loved all of the people he met through MOI. "Rob, who else do we know that has the Mayor of San Francisco ring up?" Bit of a snob my John was..........John told that he would always be with me and hoped that MOI would never forget how much he loved him.

They say that folks who are soon to die, hang on for special moments. John did that. He wanted to be alive for my 40th birthday. That was the one day he did not want to miss. John had arranged for flowers to be delivered and a massive balloon bouquet. There was also a small box given to MOI. It contained the antique silver ring with stone that MOI wears to this day.

On the day John died, MOI was there. Sitting by his side, holding his hand, MOI watched him depart this life. There was no struggle to hold on, John was a peace and his face showed it.

Many years have passed since John died. MOI has grown old, wiser even. John has never been far from his mind, he is with each and every day, would have it no other way. The many gifts received from John have never been forgot, or the lesson learned from him.

My dears, my life has a few defining moments, but the time blessed to have shared with John is the strongest example of how MOI grew as a person. John taught MOI that money is not the end all in life. There is no coffin built that allows you to shovel it into along with the things one collects. We enter this world with nothing and we leave with nothing. John taught MOI to give to others, to try and treat each and every person met with honour. John taught MOI to believe in self, to fight for that was right, even if others did not agree with. To be true to one's self. John taught MOI to love GOD, and to follow his faith. John made MOI promise to LIVE, to get over grief and go about building a life without him. There was so very much John gave and one wonders if he truly knew how MOI felt of him.

To my mind, John was the best of people. He never harmed anyone, tried to not think ill of anyone, and forgave everyone. Some might be tempted to feel that John wore rose-coloured- glasses. Trust me John knew, he just wanted not going to let the dirt in life land on him. On a visit to the home of one of his closest mates, MOI had to use the loo, and MOI being MOI, opened the medicine cabinet to peek inside. There on the shelf were bottles of medicine folks took to fight AIDS. MOI told John of this. John got very quiet, and his face showed the pain he felt at hearing this news. This person was the closest friend to and John had thought that they were so close that they would share everything with each other. John was gutted. We never went to visit this person again, and John refused all calls from, so hurt was he that his very best friend did not feel comfy enough to tell that they both were in the same boat. John could have used that support. Hurt as John was, he made MOI promise that if this person came to his memorial service, he would have a place of honour and MOI was to tell him that John loved him and was waiting to meet again.

John gave MOI the courage to keep going. There were a few mis-steps but in the end, firm footing was found and MOI lives on. There is not a day that MOI looks to memory of John and hopes that he continues to be proud of MOI. John made MOI a better person for having known him and in no small measure is John responsible for leading to the light and never, ever, losing sight of what is truly important.

In a diary kept from those days, MOI found this item he wrote:


...............have no idea what to do, everything has turned to shit. What about ME!!!!! Who is going to be there for me............it hurts so bad that I just want to die....get it over with.........there is no point............fuck you, John............you left me like everybody else........

Loss made MOI mad, grief was so much to bear. Poor MOI! Funny, however hateful that entry was, none of it was true. Time has healed MOI and he has come to see that John had it right all along. MOI will never be alone.

Folks who asked MOI to peel back the onion may well rue having made the request. Does MOI care if folks get a different view of MOI? Only to the degree that it might allow folks see how MOI came to be MOI. Coming to the end of the post, MOI is pleased to have shared John with you..............think he would be pleased as well.

REMEMBERING

Today I switched on the telly and was confronted by the HBO film "The Normal Heart."  I knew the film was being played this month and went out of my way to avoid it.  I thought that due to the nature of the film it would play at a time I was not likely to be up and would not see it.

There is no doubt that the film is powerful.

Unlike many who will watch this film today, in 2014, I was there at the beginning of this terrible event.  It is not likely that I will ever forget the events lived through.

I did not believe then and do not believe now, that no one cared or that the government did nothing.  No one knew what caused people to get sick.  Leaders of the gay movement were as much in the dark as doctors and the government.  I do know that there was fear.  Fear among gay people and the general population.

I remember hearing about AIDS very early on.  There were a lot of people who had heard of this terrible illness that seemed to be striking down many young gay men.  It was the conversation that took place in quiet corners, in whispers.  In San Francisco they took to calling it 'The Flu'.  "Have you heard that Jack has the 'flu'.

I remember being told NOT to get tested, as it meant nothing, and could be used to round up homosexuals at a later date.

Very early on my partner in life and I took the test together.  We had to fight to get the test together.  We were given a number to identify our sample.  John and I gave each other our numbers, wanting to keep it honest and let the other know what our status was.  Mind, at the time there were members of the gay movement that told folks that the positive result meant only that you had been 'exposed' to the virus.

When the test results came back, John opened my number and it said negative.  I opened John's number and it said positive.  I knew on that day that the person I loved most in the world was 'infected' with a virus that could kill him.  The clock was ticking and I needed to learn all I could about the virus.

I wrote letters.  I went to meetings.  I visited sick friends in hospital.  I helped as much as I could.  Not because I was a perfect person.  I did all that I did because I wanted to be able to help John as much as I could if he got sick.  I also wanted to give myself the courage to stand and fight with John and not run away in his hour of need.

John did get AIDS.  I did not run away.

I remember so much about that period of my life.

I remember the friends that would not come to visit out of fear.  I remember friends hiding their own illness.  I remember so many people left to die alone in hospital.  Mostly I remember the fear in the gay community.  I also remember the anger.

I will go to my grave believing that all that could have been done for John was done.  In the beginning there was not much known about AIDS and there were few drugs that seemed to help.  The most important thing that could be done for John was done.  The people that he cared about were there for him.  His job and his co-workers never turned their back on him.

The HBO film is very powerful.  It will win awards.  It will make people stop and think.

I do not agree with the film.

I do not believe that I have ever been ashamed of being homosexual.  I knew very early on that I was different.  I knew there would be problems in life but then there are problems for everyone who is different.

Who said life was fair?

I have been tested for the AIDS virus more times than I can count.  I have never been infected with the virus.  I seriously doubt that AIDS is something I need to be worried about.

It is sort of nice that being 'homosexual' seems to be the flavour of the decade.  Homosexuals seems to be everywhere these days.  Call me thick as a brick but have they not always been?

Years ago there was a book written about the early days of the AIDS plague.  "And The Band Played On".

There is not a person alive that does not know how you can get AIDS.  Yet people still get AIDS.  It never really was a 'gay plague' and yet the number of new cases have large numbers of gay people.  It is reported that the number of new syphilis cases is on the rise among the gay population.  So much for 'no glove, no love'.

I have more 'straight' friends than gay friends.  No trick that, there are more 'straight' people than gay people.

The HBO film is a powerful film.  It will have loads of folks clucking their tongues and proclaiming to one and all how proud they are to have gay friends.  That is nice.

'and the band plays on'....