Loss Is Still Loss

This morn I ventured out to visit Brenda's shop. Brenda being the lovely lady who has been my 'rock' in these hard times. One has to resume the process of being engaged in life, and keeping contact with one's caring friends is part of that process.

Brenda is 'there' for more than just this old geezer.

A lovely old geezer, not well known to me, came in during my visit and informed Brenda that his wife of 50 years died yesterday in hospital. The death was not a surprise, the wife had been very seriously ill for some time and it was a release from pain. Death, in many ways came, as a 'friend' and took the poor Chap's wife to a better place.

What a lot a years 50 be. A lifetime of sharing. She was a lovely 16 and he but 18, when they made the trip to the altar and swore to live together.

However hard my loss has been, so callow I am not that I do not see that the pain suffered by this chap is just as great. More so.

The lovely man has been cared for by his wife these many years. Like so many unions between a man and a woman, this chap depended on his wife to take care of things. By all accounts, the lovely lady did a brilliant job of it. She paid the bills, kept house, watched the cash in the bank and so many of the other things that the poor chap came to expect from her. Mind, when she became very ill, he made sure that he was at hospital on a daily basis, he was there for her.

Brenda came into the picture after the wife had become quite ill. The poor chap was at a loss to deal with the chores his wife had taken care of for so long. Brenda took Jerry under her wing and made sure that bills got paid and there was food in the icebox. However busy Brenda's day was, there was always time to sit down with Jerry and sort him out.

Sitting cross from Jerry this morn, I felt his loss and knew that he too had just had an event happen to that would change life as he knew it. Jerry told me that he felt much relieved knowing that the suffering of his wife was over. Relief being a relative term, as one could see the pain of his loss written all over his face. The poor bugger looked 'lost'. I know the feeling. Over the next few days, Jerry will have to come to terms with his loss. I can tell you that many small things will come up that will remind him that life has changed, he will get 'weepy' and it will be hard at times. What a lot of images will float cross his loaf over the coming days of times shared. Good times and hard times.

Jerry, as has this old geezer, been blessed that there was someone there in these trying times. In both our cases it was Brenda.

I can not speak for Jerry. For myself, I could write volumes about the help and support and LOVE showered down upon me in these hard times. Consider myself right blessed in having. Brenda will be first to tell that she considers what she has done no 'special' thing. "I am just helping my friend."

How grand the world would be if all who were in need of a true friend got the support of that friend. Mind, some will not come forward and seek help of a friend, it is not for me to judge why some do that. History has proved to me that one has to reach out in order to be touched. I am ever so glad that I learned that lesson in the past.

I have no doubt that Jerry will go on. Like me, the steps will not be so fully of 'spring' but in time, steps will come more sure.

Life moves forward. Day by day is how I am taking it. I venture out and try to be as engaged as I have a mind to be, my eyes and ears are open to the on-going events of life round. With pluck, I hope...

Did I Fill The World With Love

The featured music is a favoured bit from a most loved film, "Good-bye Mr. Chips". It was a chore to find an old geezer like self to be singing this song. Most filmed bits are with Petula Clark and that simply would not do...

It is interesting to stop and pose the question to self. Did love come forward more oft than hate? Kind words and deeds more oft than a brush off.

Am of the opinion that each and every person met is of value. Some of more value than others, but value nevertheless. Truth be told, even the 'evil creatures' have value, a value they have not discovered of yet.

Right, so in me grief, this old geezer has dragged out soapbox and is going to get all pontifical on us. I know you lot, my cheeky readers, too well. Can see the heads shaking and the tongues clucking. You think I am going to wax on and on about the past week's drama. Truth be told, the door to my grief is slowing closing, one part of it, and I am quite keen to try and sort out my tomorrows.

I know that there is a new day round the corner. Adventure calls and am thinking that the last has not been heard from this old geezer yet. One has to collect self, so to speak. That is what I am, and will be doing, collecting self....

You lot should feel honoured, I am still sharing me thoughts with. OI!!!! How is that for wicked? Load of tosh and you know it. I am quite pleased that so many have peeked in of late and taken the time to let me know your thoughts.

Tomorrow

It is raining frogs as I sit down to share me thoughts this day. It as if the heavens have conspired to let the whole world know how 'weepy' this time be.

What a difference a week makes. Sunday last, was a most brilliant day. Paul and I had a full day and I must tell you, he was in high spirits when we returned home from our outing.

That was then, this is now.

Life is moving forward. Lovely folks known to me have moved on with the chores of their daily lives, that is how it should be. However grand they be, it is most important that life return to normal, for me self as well. Businesses to run, children to care for and personal dramas to play out.

I wish I could report that it is getting easier for me. It is still very raw and I find myself bouncing all over the place in my emotions.

However 'open' it appears I am in my public life, I am at heart a most private person. There was never a massive number of folks knocking on me front door. Given that I rise early and retire early, I do not make it easy for folks to stop by. I will not even answer the telephone after 8 in the evening.

I am desperate to sort out all of the thoughts going through me loaf. Even when I take to me cot, the movies in me head still plays on. Mind, not all of the movie is bad, there is much that is good for me to remind self of. I have no doubt that in time, all will sort self out.

I would like to believe that all known to me will come to accept how I go on from here. At the end of the day, I have to do what is best for MOI. Am quite sure that however the future plays out, there will be some who will not understand my reasoning or my actions. That is not to say that anything horrid is planned.

My dears, there are moments when IT, the events of past week, wash over me and I feel as if I am going to be swept away. I was not prepared for what happened. Then again, who is? I keep busy, answer mail, chat with concerned folks and try to not lock self away from the lovely folks who care about this old geezer. I truly feel much loved.

Like the tune "Tomorrow" declares, The Sun will Come Out Tomorrow, and I am more than prepared to place me brolly in the stand and rush out to meet it.

I'm All Alone

My dears, the filmed bit with music comes from the Broadway smash "Spamalot". You be 'Au fait' with my use of music to capture the right mood for me post.
The loss of a loved one releases a flood of emotions. There are many days of being 'weepy'. Grief is a wicked thing.
Last few days have seen me with less spring in me step. Like poor 'Arthur', it is convenient for me to feel as if "I am all alone", hence the use of the featured bit.
By now, you have caught on that is a bit of a giggle? I mean really, life throws 'poo' at you all of the time, that is why we have a 'loo'. The nasty bits are just a flush away. Truly.
Having been down this road before, I can tell you that it is never easy to deal with the death of one loved. I tend to think it is a bit selfish of me self, due to my not have the pleasure of the company of the departed loved one. Truth be told, the pain is very real, the tears flow, the voice loses control, that many ghosts come back to haunt about the times spent with the dead.
I am gobsmacked at the many kindnesses shown me by folks this past few days. Or did Paul and I have the great good fortune to pick so many of the right sort?
More than being gobsmacked, I am forced to deal with the fact that regardless of my pain, I AM NOT ALONE. The mistake made in past in dealing with grief was to closet set in home and ignore all of the lovely people who wanted desperate to help me get through the dark days. In the end, that only added to the pain.
Life as I knew it changed on Monday, bit dramatic? Think on, if you have a companion, a loved one, who you share life with and they are gone, does that not change the order of the day?
I am clueless as to what follows, or how I will deal with my changed daily routine. I do not do 'alone' well. A lovely lady known to me came round last night and we chatted. The most profound thing she said to me was; "You do realize that you take with you, from A - Z, your grief". Quite right. The getting on a plane and running off does not end the emotions that are playing out in me head.
I am going to spend the next few days sorting out me thoughts. The many calls and emails received let me know that you, my lovely readers, understand. Having been public in so many other things, I promise to share my times with you. There might be a few who will get to know that death, horrid thing that it is, can be dealt with.

That's What Friends Are For

"Always, Sir, set a high value on spontaneous kindness. He whose inclination prompts him to cultivate your friendship of his own accord, will love you more than one whom you have been at pains to attach to you"SamuelJohnson

It is that tragic time that defines the closeness of your attachment to others. Never easy to put one's self out in a dark hour. Events of the past few days have been dark indeed, more dark were they lived without the light, many lights, provided by folks known to.

Paul and I were not the sort to have massive number of folks in life. The telephone did not ring constant, there were no large number of folks coming and going at home.

Monday proved, if it needed proving, that the friendships made local were indeed 'golden'.

Dear Lucy, lovely lady who had so much on plate and she took the time to do all possible to help in the early morning hours. Were it not for her, I may not have got to hospital in time. Paul loved Luch, any time spent in her company was pure pleasure.

Captain Mike Wilson (I used the moniker "Captain America" for this chap), always had time to share and was most hurt that Paul was no longer going to be among us.

James. Loads on his plate, what with 4 children and a demanding job. Made sure that he got ride to hospital and spent time with this old geezer. I have no doubt that Paul knew that James sat in his room and chatted with him while I took a break. I will always remember seeing James sitting there in a chair, quietly keeping Paul company during his journey to another place. James is always in need of something to do, like being on a game on computer, and to see him through the window of window just spending 'quality time' with Paul was a moment not soon forgot.

The ever lovely Denise. God Bless her. Denise does not do 'hospital' well. She put aside her unease and came to see Paul almost as quickly as she heard. In good times, Denise is a real life force, she is the sort of lady that 'burst' into a room. Monday, Denise was still a 'life force', just went with the flow of the emotions in the room and events of the day. Like many, Denise has a business that she left most of the day to be with Paul. Paul liked Denise, he found her always full of comments and a quick laugh. Mind, Paul had a hard time breathing in her pet grooming shop, but the pleasure of her company was worth the risk of allergies flairing up. Good times were had by the three of us, and Paul always made a point of checking to see if her shop was open or OK when he went walking through the Downtown area.

Sheriff Steve Durfor. I have to tell you a funny 'copper' story, that comes from Paul. Most know that I can be a bit much in my crusades and am not well received by some coppers. There were a few times I beat up on Sheriff Durfor. Paul had got to meet Sheriff Durfor at one of the parties held in Linda to campaign for safer neighbourhoods. Out of the blue, one day Paul said to me; "I wonder what people would say if they knew Sheriff Durfor was a 'copper' who did not feel you were of no value. OR, and this is the funny bit, 'that you have Sheriff Durfor calling bad people 'evil creatures' to quote you". Fancy that.

Brenda and her lovely companion, Cheryl. Where do I begin? They were my rock on Monday and Tuesday. Brenda is a local business owner as well as being a parent of small children. Talk about busy. Brenda was angry that I had not called 'soonest' and could not get to hospital fast enough. Paul was already in ICU when she arrived. "Hi Paul, It's Brenda & Cheryl", "We just want to let you know we are here with you and looking after Rob and helping make today go well". Brenda is a 'take charge' sorl of lady and I was very thankful for that. Brenda made many of the telephone calls I could not make due to my emotions. At the drop of a hat, my waterworks flowed on Monday & Tuesday. She made sure I took a break and had something to eat and even went with me and had a ciggie with.

Monday was a very long day, filled with emotion and drama. Not once did Brenda or Cheryl complain about spending so much time with Paul or me. Truth be told, there is much they could have been doing, business goes on and so does personal life. Brenda would keep me constant company during the day, having her lovely companion run off and check on things.

Many was the time that we told "Paul" stories, in room with Paul listening. She had to fess up and tell me that Paul would come by her shop and get a ciggie daily, Paul was allowed to smoke, and make Brenda promise to keep his secret. It was an 'open' secret, I think all knew that I was aware of it. That was Paul, was right hard to break a habit that goes back 35 years.

I had promised Paul that I would be with him until the end. Brenda supported me in the. Due to her rock-like support, it was easy to keep watch until the doctors told that 'it was over'.

Early evening, Paul was 'legally' dead. Brenda, Cheryl, Denise and I formed a circle round Paul and said our last words with. Leaving me alone in the room, I had one last bit of time with Paul. I told him that the team from the donor organization was going to take over, they would be with him from that point on and make his 'gift of life' available to others. All that could have been said was. It was time to go.

My dears, I know that many email have come in about Paul. I read them all. I love all of you who have sent love to me. All of the telephone calls caused me telephone to die at one point on Tuesday. I so appreciate all of the support and love sent Paul's way. Pray know that I will get back to one and all.

"When true friends meed in adverse hour; 'Tis like a sunbeam through a shower"SirWalterScott

Paul, As I Remember Him

Paul Andrew Auer - August 16, 1959 - October 18, 2010

Amazing Grace

The hallmark of any community is its ability to care for the less fortunate members of that community.

There is no doubt that the Salvation Army does good and in feeding some 'homeless' in Marysville it draws honour to this community. The question I have about this act of 'charity' is how it changes the real need faced by so many local.

I have no doubt that there be many who will shake heads and cluck tongues at my 'railing' about this event. If the dear reader will allow me to write further, it will be seen that this is not a rant but more of a reaching out to community for answers to the problem of 'homelessness' in Marysville and Yuba County.

When lived in Fresno, I saw with own eyes the horrid conditions of a "Hooverville" allowed to spring up in the Downtown area of that city. New to Marysville in 2009, I visited the homeless camp in the riverbed. Attention had been drawn to it due to a family with 5 girls, living in a trailer there. Trips to Silly Hall to speak out about the problem and articles in the local rag brought attention to the plight of the family and the horrid conditions of the illegal camp.

Marysville city staff found a way to move the homeless from city owned property but that did little to abate the problem.

A brave and caring police captain of the Marysville Police Department made multiple visits to the homeless camp and lead others in a campaign to remove rubbish from the area.

Time has passed and one wonders if much has changed for the homeless.

The homeless many have moved off Marysville owned land, but they are still in the riverbed. Conditons in the riverbed are more horrid than ever and the numbers of homeless have grown.

It is easy to lock in on the 'homeless' of the riverbed, or the 'homeless' who show up for a free meal at the Salavation Army. Too easy. One tends to forget about the many other 'homeless' folks in Marysville and Yuba County.

What about the single father of a little boy who 'sofa surfs' his mother's couch due to not having a place to live? How about adult children who have moved back in with parents due to loss of income? Seniors who have doubled up due to not being able to make small benefits checks cover rent?

What do we call older folks who have lost jobs and can not find another due to their age. What label do we place on these poor souls? Honourable folks who worked hard whole of lives and now are faced with losing all with no place to turn. Who helps them pay the mortgage?

I did not come to my compassion for my fellow man easy. Early in life, I was told that "I came from nothing, was nothing, and would be nothing". Leave it to the 'good' nuns to remind one of humble start. Life in an orphanage is no picnic. The abuse suffered, sexual, physical and mental, left scars that last a lifetime.

Something deep inside made me cling to the belief that America was really a place where one could be all one wanted to be, if one strived to be that. Something deep inside allowed me to cling to my faith and cast off the hatred felt toward abuse nuns and priests and believe that my 'heavenly father' would seen me right.

Regardless of how some judge my sexual proclivity or my activism, I have allowed my eyes to remain open to the world round me. I see much pain in the community lived in and wonder why others do not see it as well.

I have no desire to help 'benefits cheats' or lazy layabouts who know how to cage every single 'free meal' or handout offered. I worry about the folks who are afraid to come forward due to pride or fear of the stigma of the label 'homeless' or 'needy'.

"I was blind but now I see" I have no doubt that each and every one of us 'know' someone who is in real need of help during these mean times. Not strangers but friends and neighbours. Folks we chat with, visit and love and care about. Perhaps it is a single mum of two children, who has a job but can barely make ends meet and receives no help from former husband. Maybe it is an OAP, who receives a retirement that hardly covers the daily bills much less the medicines required to make health better. It might be a mate who lost job and has not been able to find another and might never due to being over 55.

This year I am going to keep my 'charity' personal. I will give nothing to Salavation Army or food banks or any other outlet that helps the 'homeless'. I know too many folks personally who could use a little help and that makes the giving more special. Truth be told, have no doubts that many reading this post know folks who could use a little help as well.

What a grand place Marysville & Yuba County would be if each and everyone of us made giving 'personal'...