A WORD FROM JOHN CLEESE

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 
EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation 
to recent events in Syria and
have therefore raised their security level from 
"Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again 
to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit 
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies nearly ran 
out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody 
Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level 
was in 1588,
when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have 
raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."
They 
don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on 
the
front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French 
government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert
level from 
"Run" to "Hide."
The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and 
"Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 
's white flag factory, 
effectively paralyzing the country's military 
capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and 
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: 
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have 
increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform 
and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a 
Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as 
usual; the only threat they are
worried about is NATO pulling out of 
Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready 
to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new 
Spanish navy can
get a really good look at the old Spanish 
navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No 
worries" to
"She'll be right, Mate."
Two more escalation levels remain: 
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie 
this weekend!" and "The 
barbie is cancelled."
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last 
final escalation level.

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, 
the Iranians are getting aggressive, and
Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 
430 BC.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall 
person